I don't know if the first day of kindergarten makes other parents play an infinite loop of Sunrise Sunset over and over again in their heads for weeks preceeding, but it does for me. What the hell happened to time? How can Liam being starting kindergarten tomorrow, when he was just a six pound three ounce baby in my arms a couple years ago? Two years tops. Every single day of his life I have been so in love with him, so amazed by him and who he is. From the moment he was born he has been thoughtful, calm, gentle, engaging, spiritual. A poet scientist. An old soul. Eric and I have joked (sort of) that since some have said they might look for the next Dalai Lama in the U.S. they should stop by our house. I have no idea how I got so lucky to have this kid. When we brought him to the doctor for his first appointment, he was 6 days old. It was freezing, and my mom had totally freaked me out asking me why we would be bringing a tiny baby out in that weather to a doctor where there could be sick people. Eric had to call them a least a few time to make me assured that it was the right thing to do. The doctor, who was just a month out from retiring, who had presumably seen at least thousands of babies, first said, "Hmm, that can't be right" and he had the nurse re-weigh him. Liam left the hospital four days earlier weighing 5lbs 12 oz. Tiny, but fit as a fiddle, no jaundice or anything even though he was born in December. Now, 4 days later the nurse said he weighed 6lbs 10 oz. She re-weighed him without his diaper and he weighed 6 lbs 7 ounces. The doctor was impressed. I was worried. "Is that ok, is something wrong with that?" "No, not at all. It's great but usually they don't gain weight so quickly. He must be a breastfeeding pro." And then the doctor did his exam. And about a minute into it, as he looked at Liam and Liam calmly, thoughtfully looked back at him, the doctor turned to us and said, "He has a remarkable disposition. I am serious. You don't know how many parents would do anything to have a baby like this. You are very lucky." Now maybe he said that to every set of new parents, but he was 100% right. And I know everyone thinks their kid is amazing and perfect, but I also know that Liam is awesome and special and I am so lucky. And I am happy for him to be starting kindergarten because he loves learning and playing, but I am sad for me because I love being with him. And honestly ever since Aidan was born there has been so much sleep deprivation (not all because of him) but anyway I just haven't had enough energy to make the most of my time with Liam, and now I will have less of it. I knew I would be sad but I didn't know it would be the kind of sad that comes in waves and pushes my heart into my throat and makes my eyes well up with tears even while I'm at the public service desk at work. To help myself through this I either think about how I spent approximately 1.63 million hours searching in vain for a superhero backpack for him that promised not to be full of lead and razor blades, and then we looked at the 11 backpacks that did have such a claim but were all ugly, and then he agreed to get an outer-space-themed crocodile creek backpack this is made in China but says it's safe and their company has never had a recall. And now I am sewing some superhero patches on it and he is happy. Or I picture him sitting at the kindergerten snacktime, spreading brie cheese on little wheat crackers and drinking pomegranite juice, and that makes me happy. (For the record I won't be sending that snack with him to school, but it is one he likes.)
At least, for now, he is still small.
